It’s the most beautiful spring day and I’m sad. Why? I see the happy daffodils, bobbing in the gentle breeze. I feel the sun burning through a cloudy haze, touching my winter-pale skin with blissful warmth. I hear the birds sing for joy and I smell blossom and the sweet crush of newly mown grass on the air. I should feel so happy today.
And, on one level of my being I do. But there’s another layer I’m painfully aware of, and I can’t work out if it’s deeper or more superficial, but certainly it’s shouting more loudly right now, and it is a very familiar voice indeed. This layer is sad and flat, hopeless even. ‘Take me away from here,’ it asks. ‘Beam me up,’ it prays, as I look up at all the aeroplane trails in the bright blue sky.
I am a strange paradox of eternally optimistic and plagued by a melancholy, which could quite easily spiral down towards the abyss of depression if I let it. I simultaneously always see the best in people yet feel depressed by humanity’s self-created plight of disconnection, selfishness, laziness and soporific amnesia. I feel like I’m spiritually awakening at a rapid pace, yet feel increasing despair at the world in which I live, which clearly shows me I am very far from fully awakened. I feel stuck at a half-way house, a foot in neither world. And I feel very alone here a lot of the time, but suspect that’s not the case at all, which is why I feel drawn to writing this blog. I hope to reach out to others who may feel they are alone in a confusing place on their awakening journey, and say, ‘Hi, I’m here too.’ And I hope to hear voices calling, ‘Hi’ to me too. Together we are stronger.
There is such a human need to be ‘seen’, to be understood. And we are also naturally sociable, naturally drawn to share experiences with others. Solitude is rather an illusory concept – we always remain connected to each other on some level, whether it’s through procuring our means for survival, or through the thoughts in our mind constantly straying to past memories or future fantasies about those we love (or those we despise), even when we’re trying our very best to be alone.
So, I put this post out into the ether in the spirit of connection. We are all a mystery, each one of us. And we are all beautiful, each one of us. We all deserve to be happy, content and to feel loved and ‘seen’ in our truth. So, I see you, and you are wonderful… 🙂